the I in panic

My boss called me at home early last week. She had to put me on hold for a few minutes, and this gave me time to ponder how odd it was to be hearing from her about seven-thirty in the evening.

My train of thought went something like this: “What in the world could she be calling about? Does she have a question about that project? Could I have misplaced something? Or is she just going to say that I shouldn’t come in tomorrow – or at all! Maybe the company’s in trouble financially with that one contract getting moved back! Or have I done something wrong? I HAVEN’T BEEN THERE LONG ENOUGH TO DO ANYTHING!” And if you’re reading each of those lines with increasing panic, then you’re reading them the way I was thinking them.

Needless to say, by the time she was back on the phone, I had braced myself for impending bad news. And the reason for the call? She was attending a training class the next day, and she realized that it would be beneficial for me to tag along as well. Could I meet her there at eight-thirty? I sheepishly said yes.

After I hung up, I was embarrassed to be reminded of my tendency of late to fly into Chicken Little mode at the drop of a hat. I’ve been doing that for the better part of this year in my thoughts about my health issues – all of which are thankfully minor, btw, knock on wood. Yet I persist in going from “everything’s okay” to “everything’s as BAD as it can POSSIBLY BE.”

Maybe Thanksgiving would be an excellent time for me to count my blessings and include all those things I’ve recently worried about that turned out to be nothing.

And hopefully I’ll take that all to heart and just try to calm(!) down(!).

rhymes with “fired”

That would be “hired.”

:pause for anticipation of joyful news:

That’s right: I am HIRED! And I’ve gotta say that the eight(!) and a half(!) months(!) of looking were *well* worth it because I got a lot of my wants with this job. It’s close to my mom’s place. It’s not in the industry that I left in January. Best of all, it’s still in engineering but more on the business side and less on the oh-so-frustrating, who-do-I-have-to-kill-to-get-a-straight-answer design side. Excuse me while I weep for joy.

Really, it sounds like such a good opportunity that I’m almost afraid of saying too much about it at this point for fear of jinxing it. Maybe I’ll just move on.

I start to work this coming Monday, so there will likely be a slight lull in website work while I get settled into a new routine and find a new apartment.

Oh, and in sharing the happy news with some former coworkers, I finally revealed the location of my websites. So if any of them are reading this: welcome! Yes, I have a blog, and yes, I may have talked about you. And if there’s *any* chance that might hurt your feelings, may I suggest that you peruse one of my other sites instead?

But if you’re feeling strong – got your big girl panties on? Good – and are not afraid to hear another point of view, then read on.

And actually, I kid. There’s no need for anyone to brace for some scathing attack. I feel pretty comfortable exposing these writings because a) as I’ve written before, when I write something to post on-line, I keep in mind that anyone could read it, so I try to be as objective as possible. Also b) people who’ve spent time around me should recognize that I am overall a positive person, and c) on the occasions that I’ve ranted about coworkers, I didn’t use their real names. Combined with d) it’s been about a year since my last work-related rant, surely the objects of any rants will have forgotten and won’t recognize that it’s about them. Hopefully, they don’t journal.

I pity the fuel

This morning as I drove in to the gas station, I noticed a former co-worker fueling up. I parked at the adjacent pump and called out a greeting as he was headed toward the building. He came over and gave me a one-armed hugged.

He asked what I was doing now. Upon hearing that I’m still unemployed, he gave me such a pitying look that I actually get embarrassed when I think of it. He was all, “I just hate how they did you…” While I do appreciate the sympathy, I absolutely do not think of myself as cause for pity.

Okay, I had plenty of pity parties myself right after I was fired, but now I’m feeling more optimistic, and I tried to convey that. I told my former co-worker that I *could* have a job now, but it’d be something I didn’t want. “I don’t mind taking my time and finding something good,” I insisted, to which my former co-worker gave me another oh-she’s-being-so-brave-about-all-this look.

He’s still working at that company, and he said that business is picking up. He asked if I’d consider coming back. He’s in no position to hire me, nor do I reckon that he has any influence on those who do. And really, it doesn’t matter what I would or wouldn’t do; since I was fired for less-than-stellar performance, I’m fairly positive they wouldn’t hire me back anyway. But *just* in case, if any of the higher-ups bumps his head and starts to think about me, for the record I told my former co-worker that I would not come back.

On the way home I heard “I Will Survive,” and I mentally dedicated it to my former bosses, especially the first part: “At first, I was afraid. I was petrified! Kept thinkin’ I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights, thinkin’ how you did me wrong, and I grew strong…” Yeah, getting fired threw me for a (gargantuan, industrial-sized) loop, but I’m past that now, and I’m really looking forward to the new opportunities I’ll have.

So, my former co-workers, please spare me your pity. If you want to show your support, join me in happily pondering the good things the future holds for me. Or buy me some lunch, if you prefer to give something more tangible.

money not for nothing

Re: the topic in the previous entry, I’d just about made up my mind: I wasn’t going to volunteer in my teacher friend’s class. The primary reason being that, as I approach eight(!) months of unemployment, I really need to start considering some source of actual income.

Ah, but then! Today I learned that I was actually approved for unemployment compensation. :shocked: I applied at the urging of another friend, but I really, truly, utterly believed that I would be turned down. My only experience with someone even attempting to get unemployment compensation was when my sister tried for it seven or so years ago. She was fired for her cash drawer (at a fast food place) being $3 short. Although she had worked there over ten years, because there had been two other instances of her drawer being short, she was denied UC. At that point, I became convinced that “those people” went out of their way to deny claims.

I figured that since I was fired because my “performance did not meet expectations,” I would be turned down. I figured it wouldn’t matter that my many requests for help/training went unanswered or that my ex-employers hadn’t given me a single performance review before suddenly kicking me to the curb. That’s why I waited all this time, and I ONLY did it now so that I could silence people who asked about it with a curt, “Yeah, I didn’t get it.”

But I did get it! And I actually find myself somewhat inspired by it. Before, job hunting was quite disheartening, with all the looking and finding no opportunities. But now, it’s as if I’m getting paid to job hunt, and that makes even the fruitless searches seem like just part of the process. For the first time since I got fired, I feel as if I haven’t been forgotten. (And, wow, does that feel nice.)

This may sound corny, but also while I’m considering myself on the government payroll, I plan to make it part of my “duties” to try to be a better citizen, more of a – dare I say it? – do-gooder. And part of that just might be helping out in that teacher’s classroom.

multiple choices

I’m really torn.

A teacher friend from church heard that I’m still unemployed and offered that I could come help out with her class. She said she couldn’t pay me, but she could really use the help. I agreed that I’d think it over.

When she first mentioned it, I was excited about the prospect. I’m certainly not at a loss for things to do, but that seems especially worthwhile. Plus, it would be nice to get out of the house. And who knows, it just might lead to a job.

Still, I have *no* kind of teaching ability, especially with math, which is what she said I could help with. I see how things are supposed to go, but I can’t explain them any other way. “Two plus two is four. Don’t you see? You have two, and you add two, and it’s four. Two. Plus two. Is four!” Insert blank look from student here.

And have I mentioned that I’m not very good with kids in general? I’m just not around any kids on any kind of regular basis. And after recently spending time near a very active toddler, I’m reminded that I kind of like it that way. (FYI, I’d be helping with a third grade class, which for some reason seems like a good age to me.)

Another issue with agreeing to help is wondering, “Am I not REALLY CLOSE to getting a job?” True, I currently have zero prospects, but – to avoid a full-on depression – I have to believe that something good is around the corner. I’d hate to make the commitment to help at the school and then have to leave for a “real” job. I’d feel as if I’d be leaving the kids in the lurch. But, realistically speaking, since I’m not even finding anything to apply for, I’d probably have at least two months to work at the school.

On the topic of schools, my hypochondriac side keeps pointing out how the schools are a major point of concern with the swine flu. Hypochondria aside, being uninsured, I’m trying to avoid situations that might contribute to excessive medical bills, and let’s face it, schools are somewhat of a hotbed of germs.

On the topic of working, if it’s (oh so depressingly) true that I’m not any closer to finding a so-called good job, I could seriously use some income. Would it be wise to put restrictions on my availability with volunteering if I’m going to have to start applying for part-time work?

Well, I had hoped that writing these things down might help me sort them out, but I’m still torn. If anyone has anything helpful to share, I’d appreciate it!

welcome to me

My boyfriend and I reached a milestone last week: the four-year anniversary of our first date. In honor of this, I finally shared with him that I have websites, including this blog.

So, Jeff, if you’re reading this . . . welcome! I know I cautioned you – twice – that I sometimes rant, and you seemed to take it under advisement. Perhaps I should’ve specified that I’ve ranted about you, but I didn’t want to belabor the point, especially when it’s been quite a while since my last rant.

I’ve been trying to decide why I waited so long to tell you about the websites. I know I didn’t mention them when we first started dating because I didn’t want to overshare. Then, I guess I liked having my privacy. But since this year began – or was it last year? – I’ve resolved to try to talk *to* people instead of complaining *about* them, and I think that knowing you can read what I write will help keep me accountable.

Maybe part of me also wanted to keep the sites a secret because I feared rejection. Years ago, I let my boyfriend at the time read my real journal. I was trying to reassure him that my feelings for him were real, but it backfired on me, because in his reading he focused on how I said another guy that we worked with was cute. My ex said glumly, “I was just the guy who bugged you into going out with him.” If I’d thought for a second that what I wrote would hurt the guy’s feelings, I would’ve kept it to myself.

But in the case of this blog, and even the rest of the sites, they’re *meant* to be shared. Even if I’m ranting, I keep in mind that anyone could read it, so I try not to say anything I wouldn’t want known. So, Jeff, when you read the less-upbeat musings, feel free to share your thoughts on them. In fact, I would LOVE for you to mention things you’ve read here. For one thing, that would show that you’ve been here and are giving my writings some thought (and you know how important it is for me to feel listened to!), but also it would start a discussion, another very desirable outcome.

I’m not sure what else to say by way of introduction. I know there’s a lot of material here. (I did mention the twenty sites, right? And actually it’s more than twenty if you count the little ones…) When perusing the blog entries, you might find it helpful to do so in the archive, which contains the entries from the current blog as well as those from previous years.

Again, welcome!

liars, bad liars, and list-makers

As of today, I’ve been unemployed for five and a half months. Between you and me, the novelty is starting to wear off.

As you may or may not know, I live in the vicinity of Huntsville, Alabama, and just this week, I saw it ranked on yet another list of cities that are “thriving” despite a bad economy. Is that right, list-maker people? Well, you couldn’t prove it by me. I’ve been applying to job openings in Huntsville (a.k.a That Marvelously Flourishing City) repeatedly for these five and a half months, and I’ve only had one interview. Apparently all the other job seekers in these neighboring, non-flourishing cities are applying for the same jobs.

The result is like actors in Hollywood: applicants are a dime a dozen, and employers can pick and choose their perfect candidate. Meanwhile, the rest of us wonder what is so powerfully wrong with us that we can’t get hired in such a hotbed of opportunity. :rollseyes:

And while I’m exposing the dark side of economic hype, I feel compelled to mention how my mother and my sister work for a company that frequently places high on lists of great companies to work for. One such list bragged how this company has never laid off a single employee. Maybe they haven’t terminated anyone – and that’s a big maybe, btw – because of low business levels, but they *do* drastically cut the hours of their part-time people. For example, this week my sister is only working two days, and my mother isn’t working at all. A job with no hours is a lot like being laid off, and, needless to say, plenty of people leave voluntarily, taking jobs elsewhere because they need more income.

Moral of the story: don’t believe everything people list.

in love with an image time is bound to see through

While meeting my boyfriend at Sears on Saturday, I was distracted by my latest celebrity obsession playing the guitar with his band in high-definition on one of the large flat-screen TVs. I stared, transfixed and delighted. The song was ending, but MAN, it was cool.

I went on to meet my boyfriend, although I did insist that we stop by that TV (several times, heh heh) to see if I could catch the full-length song by Mr. Celebrity Obsession. I was actually proud of myself for wanting to see it, because it was a recent clip. I’ve been watching the guy’s music videos from the ‘80s/late ‘70s, and diligently avoiding all the current stuff, i.e. reality. Indeed, seeing him looking his age was eye-opening, but I think I needed that.

However, as we watched, my boyfriend felt compelled to snark, “Is he on drugs right now??” Okay, maybe I was slightly out of line, mildly gushing over some public figure, but honey? You putting him down does *not* make me like you more.

Then, the next day my sister felt compelled to mention my obsession’s, um, chemical reputation, and I wondered why everyone is so determined to bash my little, albeit irrational fantasy. I don’t have a job. It takes effort to find things to occupy my days and my thoughts, and lately I’m trying hard not to dwell on how it seems as if everything I’ve ever wanted has been for nothing. So, IF IT’S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK, could I just enjoy a few happy thoughts? At least in this case, I *know* not to expect them to come true.

Well, I say that and yet, with such an in-your-face reminder that they won’t come true, I admit that I’ve been left largely disenchanted with my celebrity obsession. Sure, I still enjoy his music, but congratulations, sis and boyfriend! Yet again, I feel like a girl without a dream.

Yesterday, this all reminded me how, when I was in school, I’d get a crush on a guy, and I’d have it for a long while, and no one else would do. I admit, sometimes I get a little bitter that not one of them worked out. Looking back, it finally occurred to me that maybe I was being unrealistic, focusing so much effort on someone who didn’t reciprocate. In my defense, I was a teenage girl! And we want what we want, right?

To be honest, I now suspect that the fantasy was more enjoyable than reality with those guys could have ever been. When you’re with someone, the newness is bound to wear off (this I know all too well, sigh). Sure, the lows of pining from afar – namely the rejection – were low, but the highs … wow. It can be pretty awesome when just seeing the object of your affection is a thrill.

Hmm, could it be that the whole point of the crush is the pursuit? With that in mind, I’m off to YouTube to watch some videos. There are some by Mr. Celebrity Obsession that I haven’t seen. *smiles*

overly unqualified

Right after I wrote the last blog post, I was surprised with an invitation to interview this week. Since this was the first interview I’ve had in the three months that I’ve been unemployed, I was thrilled. And I can honestly say that I felt I was the best prepared I’ve been for any interview that I can remember. I had found a long list of potential interview questions on the Internet, and I prepared answers for almost all of them.

But at the interview, the lady I talked to spent most of the thirty minutes explaining what they do there. She even brought a sample of their paperwork. She was very nice, but the first thing she said (while looking at my résumé) was that I’m overqualified. She said lightly, “Oh, my, you’ll be so bored doing what we do here.” Then she talked about spreadsheets and completing monthly reports. I tried to explain that that was *exactly* the kind of thing I did when I was an admin assistant before, and being an organized person, it’s actually something I like to do. In any case, she said it’d be at least a week before they make a decision.

That always sounds to me as if they’re trying to put me off. They know that at that moment I’m hopeful, but they see that I haven’t got a chance, so they vague out about their plans, I guess to try to take the sting out of it. As time passes, my dream of being hired slowly dies, so that by the time the rejection letter comes weeks later, I’m pretty much expecting it.

Anyway, my preparation did pay off: I *knew* that my interviewer would ask something like, “Why do you want this job when you’ve got an engineering degree?” So I had prepared an answer about “choosing engineering because I knew that its reasoning and problem-solving skills would be an asset in any career.” (Hopefully they bought it!) However, the minute she said I was overqualified, I wanted to scream. Every one of the engineering places I’ve applied to has apparently found me way UNDERqualified, because they won’t even interview me. So I set my sights a bit lower and what do I get? “You’re overqualified.” GAH!

I understand why employers are cautious. In these tough times, they know that some people are looking for any job they can to pay bills, but the employers don’t want to waste their resources training someone who will leave when a better opportunity comes along. I just don’t know how to make them understand that that is not my intention. My experience in the engineering field – the lack of training and job security – has left a bad taste in my mouth. I must be getting lazy, or old, or something, because I can’t stand the thought of having to start over and over, moving around to find opportunities in my that field. (I already feel that my whole life has been starting over!) I can’t say that admin work is my dream job, but if I can find something steady, I plan to stick with it.

gainfully unemployed

Shortly after I lost my job, I was sitting around listening to the radio with my sister. To amuse myself, I’d turn the lyrics into something job related, like “I Still Haven’t Found The Job I’m Looking For” by U2, and – my personal favorite – that classic remake by Hall & Oates, “You’ve Lost That Jobbing Feeling.”

After several days of up and down emotion, going from an optimistic, “I’ll find something. Something better!” to the highly disheartened “I’ll never find anything!!” I’m now leveling out somewhere closer to the upbeat end of the spectrum. (For now at least. Give me five minutes, and it could change.)

It helps that a recruiter called today. As I expected, the job he’s trying to fill is WAY south of here, near the Alabama-Florida state line actually. I said that I wasn’t interested in moving that far, but the guy – a nice recruiter, for a change – offered that I could think about it over the weekend and call him on Monday. Eh, why not. That’ll give me time to debate which is worse: being five hours away from my family or continuing an indefinite period of being unemployed. (Hmm. Tough call.)

In the mean time, I’m very glad to have website work to help keep me busy. Last week I finished the first part of adding a new layout to the Alias site, and I’m on track to finish the rest of the update this month.

Unless, of course, I wind up moving. :sigh: