Month: February 2007

great-ish expectations

To make a long backstory short, my boyfriend Jeff and I didn’t get each other anything for Valentine’s Day, if you don’t count the souvenir shot glass I brought him from my last trip.  I was out of town on the holiday, and the weekend after I returned he had to work, and we don’t usually get together during the week because we both work, and oh yeah, I said I was making the backstory short, didn’t I.

He had asked if we were doing anything to celebrate after the fact when we finally got together on Saturday, and I said no. I figured this was his way of asking if we were exchanging gifts, and I said that I hadn’t planned to. (I brought the shot glass just in case he’d got me something.)

We carried on with our date. However, that evening, he said, “I was telling someone that I’ve done what every man dreams of and every woman hates: lowered her expectations for Valentine’s Day.” He actually sounded pleased about it, and THAT? Rubbed me the wrong way! Mainly because I thought he was only half joking. He’s mentioned this “lowering expectations” thing before, and I’ve cautioned him that such a plan could backfire, leaving the woman asking herself, “Why am I with this guy anyway? What has he done for me lately??”
 
That night, I could hardly sleep, thinking how peeved I was that he would *brag* about me expecting nothing for V-day. I expected nothing because the last Valentine’s Day turned into a *huge* disappointment for me when our plans to get together that day fell through. When we finally did get together days later, he brought two gag gifts and an all-occasion card. His actions this year revealed that he hasn’t a clue of how I feel about that whole fiasco, for him to be taking it so lightly. I decided I was going to write him an email and express myself.

Fortunately by the time I wrote to him, I was more calm. I tried hard to not be accusatory. I simply explained how after Valentine’s Day ’06, it became clear to me that he and I see have *very* different ideas about some things, and that revelation left me feeling not-so-connected to him. I wrote that I’d go so far as to say that my expectations were lowered not only for Valentine’s Day but for the future of our whole relationship. (Yeah, that was probably the harshest thing I said.) I also told him that in thinking about this, I wondered if since then, perhaps I’ve been subconsciously trying to lower his expectations of me as well. I added that I don’t think that was it. I said that if anything, my attitude toward us is simply a bit more casual than it was at first, and sometimes my actions might reflect that.
 
I got an email from him yesterday. He said that he really was joking about the lowered expectations, and then he shared a bit about himself (which I will not list here out of respect). I really appreciated him opening up. I took about two hours in reading his reply and writing back to him. Unfortunately, he seemed to be beating himself up for being a bad boyfriend. I wrote that it truly wasn’t my intention to cast blame, because I’m certainly not perfect. I added that I think it’s a step in the right direction that we’ve shared these things. Now, maybe we know a little more about where the other is coming from.

back on Earth can feel as cold as ice

My second trip to Nebraska has come and gone, making Nebraska – if I’m not mistaken – the state I’ve spent the second most time in. :applause and fanfare:

The flights were, happily, uneventful with no major delays. My hotel room was on the second floor (Hmm, there’s some sort of second theme going on here…), and it was much quieter than the one I had last time, on the first floor right next to the desk clerk.

As planned, I wore no makeup. I had told myself that there wasn’t anyone there for me to impress, and that’s true, but I noticed that there are quite a few attractive guys there. I know, I know. I’m the silliest, most unprofessional girl ever. :sigh: But the *really* funny part is that I actually felt attractive too, like the guys I was noticing were noticing me back. :laughs heartily at self: I wouldn’t think of pursuing it, but it’s kinda nice to feel appreciated, even while recognizing that it’s probably all in my head.

Anyway, while I was in Nebraska, the bigwigs announced that they’re reorganizing the company a bit. Needless to say, despite their talk that only customer service would be relocated to Nebraska, concern hung in the air, and I felt like a traitor for not being there, even though my absence was not my own doing. Officemate and I emailed quite a bit, letting each other know that we still hadn’t heard anything.

Finally he wrote about the three or so guys that were being moved. One of them I’ve had a teensy crush on, and I really hate to see him go. For reasons I won’t go in to, it just seems to me that the bigwigs are doing this guy wrong, and I kept dwelling on the wrongness of it all. That guy was in my thoughts quite a bit, and I can’t tell you how many times Milli Vanilli’s “Girl, I’m Gonna Miss You” played in my head. (Shut up, it’s a good song to angst to.)

As a follow-up to this, when I got back to town, I stopped for groceries on the way to my apartment. And who do I hear calling me as I’m completely absorbed in looking at breakfast bread? Yep, Teensy Crush Guy. (I shudder with embarrassment when I wonder exactly how long he’d been trying to talk to me before I noticed him.) He asked how Nebraska was, and I replied, “Great.” He said, “You lie.” I conceded, “I lie…” We chatted a bit, and he said something about the transfer. I said, “Oh, so you *are* going then?” He said that he was for a little while.

We parted ways, and I realized that I had been half-hoping he’d hang out for a while, maybe ask me about dinner or something. Yes, we’re totally different, and pursuing anything would be foolish, and I have a boyfriend, for Pete’s sake … I’ll just say that I had a rather uneasy trip, and seeing TCG after I’ve thought about him so much this week really caught me by surprise.

Back to the topic of my trip, yesterday, I posted a slideshow with eighteen pictures. I was trying to turn it into a photo essay, but that didn’t really work out. (Sorry, but I just couldn’t capture myself angst-ing, lol.) So, it’s just random photos with comments.

http://www.neloo.com/chezanne/pf/c021107a.html

If you don’t have time to click through eighteen photos, do you have time for two?

Here’s one of me trying to keep warm…
http://www.neloo.com/chezanne/pf/c021407a.html

… and my much-sought-after picture of the Omaha skyline.
http://www.neloo.com/chezanne/pf/o021607e.html

a naked face in Omaha

Things at work have slowed down, and *that* makes for some long days.

Unfortunately things have also slowed down at our parent company, so the powers that be have decided that this is the perfect time to continue training Officemate and me. So yes, very soon I’ll be making another trip to Nebraska.
 
Wouldn’t you know? Just as the weather here in Alabama is starting to warm up a little, I get to leave that behind and travel to where above freezing is considered a heat wave. Sigh.
 
Well, I’ll go, but I won’t be pretty. (Some may think that goes without saying. :shrug: Eye of the beholder, my friends.) I plan to wear no makeup. The minute some arctic blast hits me, my eyes will water and my nose will run, so what would be the point of makeup? Ditto for hairspray, since those chilly gusts will destroy a ‘do in record time. I plan to wear one of those knit hats most of the time.
 
I’m planning to take my digital camera to avoid repeating the worry that I’ve sent my film through the wrong X-ray equipment. With it being so cold, I can’t imagine that I’ll be doing much sight-seeing, but since I may get to see more snow than I’ve ever seen in real life, that will be worth a photo or two. Also, if I don’t get some pictures of the Omaha skyline this time, I will consider the trip a complete waste.