Month: April 2007

everything and nothing at the same time

The episode in the previous post became just one not-good event of several, resulting in a largely not-good week.

One of the gals at work observed, after our brief conversation the previous day, that I think of my boyfriend mostly, as her grandma liked to say, “Just someone to have dinner with.” The person that said this didn’t mean it to be harsh, but it made me feel bad, like I’m coldhearted or something. It’s bad enough that I have doubts about my relationship as it is, but to hear someone else voice similar thoughts? Ouch.

Knowing what I’m about to write, I feel compelled to preface it by explaining that I attribute the uncertainties about my relationship with my boyfriend to differences that have surfaced in our personalities. If we don’t work out, I really don’t think it will be because of another person.

Having said that, the other bad things from last week involve my silly infatuations with guys from work.

One of them quit. That would be the one that I mentioned back in February who was transferred to the Nebraska location. To be honest, I’m surprised he didn’t leave sooner. He was working out of town for about a month, and I’d say my crushy feelings for him settled down quite a bit while he was gone. But he was in town last week, and I admit, I still find him attractive. He’s also helped me out a lot with work, and I really hate to see him go.
 
The other, well, crush from last week is arguably the silliest and most illogical. Cute Work Guy shared that he’s interested in some girl he knows, and he gushed about how cute and smart she is, and for some reason that hurt my feelings. A lot. Yes, I know it could never be with him. I admit I’ve toyed with the thought multiple times, and every time it’s so perfectly clear to me that it would never work out between us. I think about how Buffy rejected an interested guy with something like, “It’s just … doomed. And I can’t do doomed *again* right now. I’m sorry.”
 
During the past few months, I’ve tried to do the mature thing where CWG is concerned and keep my distance. I didn’t respond to what I perceived as hints from him about us going out. I told him how old I really am: seven years older than he is. I took my boyfriend to see his band play, so that he could see that we’re together. If anyone nipped a potential whatever between us in the bud before it could start, it was me. So why is it that, after hearing about this super-girl, I felt what can only be described as heartbreak? 
 
Leaving work that day, I felt such an overwhelming sense of emptiness, and I was in a funk the next day, too.

Fortunately, I was off work for two days. I went home to see my mother and sister, and a different environment helped give me some perspective. Driving back to my apartment, I was singing – and dancing :blush: – along with the upbeat songs on the radio, trying to decide exactly what it was I was so upset over.

under the bus

At work, when someone speaks of throwing a person “under the bus,” it basically means that the thrower stabbed someone in the back. (Am I overexplaining there? Sorry. I hadn’t heard that expression before my current job.)

Last Wednesday, the guy that trains OfficeMate and me was called into an early meeting with the bigwigs that were visiting from our parent company. Knowing how OM has been threatening to complain about Trainer Guy to the higher-ups, I was a bit concerned. That concern was proved valid when TG greets OM and me after the meeting with, “So, you two threw me under the bus.” I replied, “Well, *I* didn’t…” OM rambled something about, “All I said was (insert blatant lies playing down what he really said here).”

TG seemed to let it go, but from the way he was acting, I got the impression that inside he was really mad. And I don’t blame him. I mean, OM didn’t even try to talk to TG about his issues. He went over TG’s head – and over our boss’s head – to talk to the bosses at the parent company. Imagine how embarrassing for TG to be confronted with those problems when he’s thinking that everything is okay.

The thing that ticks me off most about this whole situation is that I don’t think TG believes that I wasn’t in on it. The one time someone asked me about OM’s claims, I was very diplomatic. I said that I think OM just doesn’t know how to take TG, which truly is my take on the situation. As I see it, my only betrayal is that I knew that OM was mad and I didn’t tell TG about it.

Since that meeting, TG has been coming in to help us more, which is what OM wanted, and I daresay that OM is pretty pleased with himself. Personally, I think he handled the whole thing very badly. I don’t think it’s exaggerating to say that he’s changed everything between us and TG. Oh, sure, TG seems to be playing it down – although he has mentioned it every day since then – but I’d bet money that he’ll be watching what we do closely, waiting on the chance to pay us back.

dear Jeff

from the latest email to my boyfriend:

[I’d just said how I’ll probably have to work some hours beyond my regular schedule since the busy season is coming up.]

Me: … But you know, I don’t think I’ll mind the [extra] work. Even at my secretarial job I had to work [a few off days] when we had proposal deadlines coming up. I think all jobs will have their busy times that require working some extra. :shrug:

Jeff: Well, all jobs with companies that stay in business, anyway…
 
Me: Yes, here, I’m talking about jobs that remain jobs. Jobs that are no longer jobs will have to wait for a conversation when we’re talking about things that aren’t.

riding in cars with crushes

Today, about 25 minutes until lunchtime, the power went off. Not much later about eight people were gathered in and around the office of OfficeMate and me because we have windows and, therefore, light.

With no way of knowing when the power would be restored, it was decided that we would go on to lunch. I had brought my lunch, but with no power for the microwave, I joined the group that was going out.

As always, as we’re reaching the exit door, someone asks, “Who’s driving?” Cute Work Guy volunteers to take one group. He reaches the door first and starts toward his vehicle. I follow, hoping that it’s not blatantly obvious that I really, really, really want to ride with him. For some reason, the others lingered by the building, making a list of places to go that might have power, I think.

Still hoping that I’m not being … blatant, I take the front passenger’s seat, as CWG has conveniently left the door open when he moved something. Over the door I call to the others (albeit probably unheard), “Shotgun!”

The only other person who came to ride with us was the other girl. And she’s married. :big smile:

Being a good car host, CWG at one point asked if I was hot. (You know, from the heat being cranked out by the vents.) Obviously, he doesn’t know me well at all, or he’d know that’s a ridiculous question. I’m very rarely hot.

Alas, the ride was not that long, but I will take away three things from it. One, the route we took was one that I travel frequently, and I’m sure I’ll look back on that ride often as I pass that way again. Two, his Jeep Whatever-It-Is has the most comfortable seats I’ve experienced in a very long time. And three, part of his address – sadly, not the apartment number – was visible on a piece of mail on his dashboard.

one angry man

I’ve written before that my OfficeMate thinks that the guy who trains us doesn’t want us to succeed in our work. Since Trainer Guy’s little power play with turning in his notice only to “get talked into staying,” it seems that every little thing TG does or says gets OM seething, only – and this is the thing that makes me fear for OM’s health – OM doesn’t let TG know. He carries on, talking as if everything’s alright.

OM gets the most frustrated when he has several projects lined up, particularly when he falls behind on one of them. That has been the case this week, and OM remains positively furious. Yesterday, TG even took over one of OM’s jobs to try to help him out, but today OM seethed to me that TG has zero concern for anyone but himself. I didn’t point out TG’s gesture to the contrary, because, believe me, OM doesn’t want to hear it.

OM keeps saying that he’s going to send an email to the boss’s boss about it. I figure that this will result in the higher-ups asking me for my opinion of the situation. I’m afraid that I see things more from TG’s side. From my observations, I truly don’t think TG is trying to sabotage us. He’s still not overly forthcoming with the help, but if we ask, he does answer the question, and if we still don’t get it and ask another question, he’ll answer that too. I think OM just hates with every fiber of his being to keep asking for help, so he doesn’t. Then he goes back to being furious and frustrated at TG.

OM keeps talking about how that isn’t the company for him, and how he’ll be glad when he leaves. For his own sake, I pray that he can find the frustration-free workplace he seems to want. Soon.

What was I thinking?

The aforementioned Cute Work Guy is in a band. I had heard that they would be playing at a nearby bar, and I *really* wanted to go. At first I considered going by myself, but after a bit of mental debate, I opted to invite my boyfriend.

So, we spent last Saturday hanging out, and then we met a few people from work at the bar about ten.

Perhaps it was the way I wore makeup, when I haven’t on our dates for a long time. Perhaps my glance lingered on CWG and his fine guitar-playing self a moment too long. Perhaps it was the way I wore a somewhat revealing top, something I haven’t done – ever – since my boyfriend and I have been dating. Or perhaps it was the way I purchased that top specifically for this occasion. Whatever the cause, I got the impression that my boyfriend was a bit jealous.

To be honest, if the situation had been reversed, I’m sure I would have been too.

But wait, there were more feelings to be stomped on. I think I’ve mentioned here that CWG flirts with me a bit. (No, he didn’t do it in front of Jeff. He’s not a jerk.) Well, thinking yesterday about the previous evening, I got it into my head that I may have hurt CWG’s feelings. I hope he doesn’t think I was trying to throw the fact that I have a boyfriend in his face. Yeah, I’m probably overestimating my influence on him. At least, I really hope I am.

As I considered my options for going to see him play, taking my boyfriend seemed like the most logical. Saturday is our regular date day, and this way I didn’t have to blow him off to go see my latest crush. The bar was over an hour away, plus – hello! – it’s a bar, and the idea of going by myself was a bit intimidating. If CWG really was toying with the idea of us being together, I reasoned that him seeing me with Jeff would put an end to that notion. Plus, as I told CWG when he flirtily expressed disappointment that I was bringing my boyfriend, “I’ve got to, to keep me honest.” Insert flirty look at CWG. “I kinda got a thing for guitar players…”

What, a shade too far? Yeah, I thought so, too. :covers face with hands in embarrassment:

At least CWG is out of town this week, so I don’t yet have to face him. And when I see Jeff next Saturday, I’ll keep any remarks about the previous date to a bare minimum.