Posted in crushes, feelings

everything and nothing at the same time

The episode in the previous post became just one not-good event of several, resulting in a largely not-good week.

One of the gals at work observed, after our brief conversation the previous day, that I think of my boyfriend mostly, as her grandma liked to say, “Just someone to have dinner with.” The person that said this didn’t mean it to be harsh, but it made me feel bad, like I’m coldhearted or something. It’s bad enough that I have doubts about my relationship as it is, but to hear someone else voice similar thoughts? Ouch.

Knowing what I’m about to write, I feel compelled to preface it by explaining that I attribute the uncertainties about my relationship with my boyfriend to differences that have surfaced in our personalities. If we don’t work out, I really don’t think it will be because of another person.

Having said that, the other bad things from last week involve my silly infatuations with guys from work.

One of them quit. That would be the one that I mentioned back in February who was transferred to the Nebraska location. To be honest, I’m surprised he didn’t leave sooner. He was working out of town for about a month, and I’d say my crushy feelings for him settled down quite a bit while he was gone. But he was in town last week, and I admit, I still find him attractive. He’s also helped me out a lot with work, and I really hate to see him go.
The other, well, crush from last week is arguably the silliest and most illogical. Cute Work Guy shared that he’s interested in some girl he knows, and he gushed about how cute and smart she is, and for some reason that hurt my feelings. A lot. Yes, I know it could never be with him. I admit I’ve toyed with the thought multiple times, and every time it’s so perfectly clear to me that it would never work out between us. I think about how Buffy rejected an interested guy with something like, “It’s just … doomed. And I can’t do doomed *again* right now. I’m sorry.”
During the past few months, I’ve tried to do the mature thing where CWG is concerned and keep my distance. I didn’t respond to what I perceived as hints from him about us going out. I told him how old I really am: seven years older than he is. I took my boyfriend to see his band play, so that he could see that we’re together. If anyone nipped a potential whatever between us in the bud before it could start, it was me. So why is it that, after hearing about this super-girl, I felt what can only be described as heartbreak? 
Leaving work that day, I felt such an overwhelming sense of emptiness, and I was in a funk the next day, too.

Fortunately, I was off work for two days. I went home to see my mother and sister, and a different environment helped give me some perspective. Driving back to my apartment, I was singing – and dancing :blush: – along with the upbeat songs on the radio, trying to decide exactly what it was I was so upset over.

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