Month: November 2007

to do, long overdue

On Thanksgiving Day, I was at my mom’s. My mother and my sister were watching Ugly Betty, and since I had no interest in that, I was in another room on my computer. I’d been organizing the files for a backup, but that was pretty much done – or maybe it’s better said that I’d done all I cared to do on it. Then I looked in the folder with my MacGyver website files, and thought, “Hmm, might I have time to accomplish some of the To Dos for that site…?”

Next thing I know, I’m working to add some information that I’ve been planning to add for months now. (The Gratuitous Backstory: an old MacGyver site closed, and I had asked the webmiss if I could re-post some of that content at my site. To my great joy, she said yes! But by the time I received her reply, my Real Life had grown busy again.) After I started the project, I realized that it wasn’t nearly the daunting task I’d thought it would be, and I was actually embarrassed for not taking the time to do it earlier.

Soon, I decided that this would also be the perfect time to redesign the banner at that site, another thing I’ve wanted to do for months, because the colors of the old banner were SO not good.

I worked on both of those projects off and on until yesterday, when I finally finished and added it all to the site.

Now, I am irrationally pleased at having accomplished those two long-time members of my To Do list. It’s encouraging to be reminded that, once I actually start the project, not all website updates take me months to complete. Apparently all I need is for my family to be distracted for a while, for my boyfriend to be out of town, and to have several days off from work.

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bonding over dial-up

I stayed at my mom’s last night because I had a dentist appointment today. Yikes, one cavity, but what luck! They were able to take care of it today! And the feeling has just now returned to my lower lip.

Anyway, since my sister doesn’t have email, one of her former co-workers recently sent me the link to their on-line photo gallery. I was showing my sister the email, and since we had a few hours before I had to go to the dentist and she had to go to work, we decided to push the limits of Slow Dial-up and check it out.

About thirty minutes later we were looking at the first picture in the slideshow, and I saw that there were 99 pictures in the set. Well, there was no way we’d have time to look at all of them, but we pressed on. After about three hours, we decided to call it a day.

All in all, despite the slowness of the dial-up, it was nice to have a little project that gave us some impromptu sister together time.

In other news, pictures from last week’s trip to Houston are posted.

you don’t bring me flowers

More and more I believe that my boyfriend and I are not in it for The Long Haul. Recently I looked up our very first emails to each other, trying to see if the differences that are now so clear to me were this obvious before. Nope, I sure don’t see them. I guess we were both on our best behavior: he’d write about how smitten he was with me, and I’d frequently use the blowing-kisses smiley. We seemed so compatible and like-minded.

Fast forward two years and three months, and I’m sad to say that for me, the thrill is largely gone. I find myself nitpicking: “Not once in all this time has he given me flowers even though he said – over a year ago – that he ‘probably should do that sometime’.”

At first I thought he had such a positive attitude, but now it seems that, although it’s true that he doesn’t get angry about much at all, most of his casual observations about any given topic are less than favorable. He calls it being analytical, but I call it criticism. It appears that he truly feels good about himself when he is able to correct someone, and this is no small issue, as I *hate* being corrected, particularly when it comes from someone who is so focused on a grammatical mistake I’ve made that he’s entirely missed the point of what I was trying to say.

Just this weekend I shared that, citing a book about relationships, my way of feeling loved is when people listen to me. That same day, at least three different times he interrupted me with some comment he just had to make about something on the radio or whatever. Granted, I wasn’t saying anything earth-shatteringly profound, but shouldn’t someone who claims to love me want to hear what I’m saying just the same, since what I’m saying is important enough to me to mention it? Especially after I just said that being heard is important to me? (I plan to mention this briefly in my next email to him and say that if he must interrupt, could he please then say, “But anyway, as you were saying …” to acknowledge that I had been speaking?)

Also frustrating is that he remains blissfully unaware that my feelings have changed. For example, this weekend as we were resting in the car between shopping gigs, at one point he leans over and kisses me on the cheek. In a trying-to-be-cuddly tone, still leaned over close to me, he says, “Oh, I shocked you.” With my eyes still closed and my arms crossed, I say flatly that I didn’t notice. In a self-congratulatory tone, he says, “All you noticed was my lips, huh.” Again not moving, I reply in the same flat tone, “Yeah.” Now perhaps I obsess too much over what certain exchanges mean, but apparently he’s waaaaaay over at the opposite end of the spectrum where his rose-colored glasses block out all verbal and non-verbal clues that there are problems.

In all of this he-bugs-me thinking, I try to keep two things in mind: 1) would I rather he be the completely opposite way? and 2) am I guilty of the same things? In the case of the latter, I do know that I interrupted him at least once over the weekend, but as I would like for him to do in that situation, I said, “But anyway…?” and he took the cue to resume his story. And for a for-instance to the former question, I can think of one very earnest former suitor who not only listened, but asked for clarification on much of what I said, to the point where it made me uncomfortable.

Despite my efforts to think reasonably about all of this, I keep coming back to the fact that I do feel the way I feel, and I have felt this way for over a year now. I guess the logical response to that is “Well, why are you still with him?” In his defense, he does have some good qualities. And it’s not as if we spend the day at odds; most of our talk is of how our week has been and whatever other neutral topic finds its way to us, which is fine, but should there be more? Shouldn’t there be more? I mean, we live in separate towns and see each other at most once a week, and yet I can’t imagine what we would do if we had more time to spend together.

Maybe the biggest problem lies in my attitude, my inner response to the attitudes I perceive in him, the nitpicks listed above. Therein lies the debate I have with myself: how serious *are* these issues? Are these part of the growing pains found in all relationships, or is this a sign that we’re not a good fit? Either way, while breaking up doesn’t yet feel like the right thing to do, maybe I should think about this a little less and try to talk to him about it a little more.

goodbye, hello

Yesterday, my OfficeMate (OM) kept getting phone calls, and he’d reply only briefly, obviously not wanting to say anything to clue me in to the topic of conversation. More than once he’d ask the person to call him back on his cell, then he’d leave the room talking. I remembered a time when he didn’t keep secrets from me, because we were in the exact same boat, work-wise. Now I found myself annoyed at his childishness, and I was glad that it was his last day of employment there.

Then, at one point in the afternoon, he actually turned to me saying that things at work will get better. I continued my work for a moment before casually turning around to see who had come in, that OM was talking to. No one was there: I looked over at him, and he was talking to me. And trying to be encouraging, no less! I did feel encouraged just by his effort and I spoke back, then we both returned to work. For the first time since I found out he was leaving, I really hated to see him go. I was glad that at least we’d be parting on good terms.

Not much later, he got a call from the Big Cahuna, and I left the room to give him some privacy. I returned fifteen or so minutes later, because I was supposed to be getting a call from Big Cahuna #2, who had emailed earlier to say he wanted to talk to me about how everything was going. I had been expecting to have this conversation during my last trip to Nebraska, so I’d typed up a list of concerns to discuss. I emailed that to BC#2, and when he called, we discussed them briefly.

When I hung up with BC#2, OM said, “Well, I guess he told you that I’m staying.” I was all, “Are you SERIOUS?!” BC#2 had mentioned that he thought OM was going to stay, but I had said, “I don’t think so…” OM shared a little bit about what he’d been told, but it was obvious he didn’t really want to discuss it. Our shift was almost over, so I left.

I guess he *was* serious, because he was back at work today. I’m still not exactly sure what they said to get him to stay, but they did promise that there would be some positive changes “in the next sixty days.” I’ve heard some of the plans. I’m not getting my heart set on anything, just waiting to see what happens, but I find it very encouraging that they’re setting a timeline for these things.

And OM and I are back on good terms, or at least (hopefully) headed that way. Yay. 🙂