Posted in etcetera, feelings

six billion people to choose from, and he calls me

I’m absolutely boggled: Ray, one of my exes tried to call me yesterday! :O

Since I haven’t mentioned him in a long while, let me summarize the experience of seeing him by copying and pasting what I wrote back in October of 2002.

He’s ten years older than I am, which actually didn’t bother me so much. He’s divorced and has four(!) kids, all teenagers or close to it. Without going into details, let me just say that he and I are *very* different personality wise.

Instead of making a clean break – the honorable thing to do – he’d just stop calling for months at a time. Then, just as I’d accept that it was over, he’d call again and swear that this time he wanted only me. I finally got fed up with that and grew a spine. In January of 2001, I left a voicemail message saying that I was going to start seeing other people and that I’d see him “around.” Sure a voicemail is pretty cowardly, but it’s still more respect than he showed me. I needed some type of closure; there was no way I’d spend Valentine’s Day wondering whether or not he’d call.

In the nine years (!!!) since we parted, he has tried to call me several times, the last time being maybe 2005, to tell me that his 15-year-old daughter was going to have a baby. Then he was all, “Let’s get some coffee and chat.” And I was all, “Um, I haven’t lost my mind, so that’ll be a No.”

The last I heard of him was a few years ago, when my sister saw him at the store where she works. He’d told her that he was getting married. But as she pointed out, “He did say then that he’d call you…”

And I wondered then as I’m wondering now: “WHY?” If he has good news, or bad news, or is just feeling nostalgic about the so-called Good Old Days, whether or not he’s re-married by now, at this point it’s positively PITIFUL for him to feel that he should try to reconnect with me. I’ve repeatedly shown – and said! – that I’m not interested. Maybe he calls himself just trying to be friendly; well, I certainly have no hard feelings for him (any more), but that’s a *long* way from wanting to hang out and/or talk to him.

I doubt he’ll ever read this, since I (am paranoid and) do not put my real last name anywhere on any of my websites. But just in case, if you’re a pitiful guy named Ray who keeps calling an ex named Anne who dumped your disappearing, cowardly buh-utt with a voicemail message waaaaaaaaay back in 2001, do yourself everyone a favor and find a way to move on!

Posted in feelings, work

work wah wahs

After last week ended on such a high note at work – namely getting a compliment from one of the bosses on my performance in a meeting – this week started out in a deep pit, as an error that our team collectively overlooked came to light.

They told me clearly at the start of these projects, “XYZ is your part of the effort.” So I’ve been diligently working on the so-called My Part. Last week’s mistake was in the part of the project that was supposed to come to me already done. I’m not trying to make excuses… or maybe I am, a little bit. I feel so defensive about this because, somehow, it seems like everything that goes wrong is made to be my fault.

For example, when I asked a question earlier this week about some work that was passed on to me, the first thing the boss says is, “Well, so-and-so isn’t an expert in this.” Okay, A) neither am I (even close to being) an expert, and they’ve been doing it longer than I, and B) My question wasn’t intended to point out anyone’s “lack of expertise.” I was simply trying to learn what I’m supposed to do. See point A.

And on a teleconference yesterday, the boss said to me specifically, “Is there anything else we can do to help you… understand?” I felt like replying, “Am I somehow conveying that I DON’T understand?” Apparently the boss mistook my listening politely to the others rambling on as a sign that I was not following the conversation. (Note to self, next meeting say “AMEN!” whenever anyone else makes a point.) It seems like, while everyone else is supposed to be so much more experienced – just ask them! – when they make a mistake it gets excused. It also seems as if the advances I make, such as last week’s good meeting, are not as important as my general (and rampant, in their eyes) lack of knowledge.

Compounding my frustration on this is that, except for last week’s compliment and the occasional “good catch” after I bring up a point, I have no idea how my bosses think I’m doing. Despite my griping above, I really do like the work, at least most of the time. I’d like to ask for some feedback, but I’m afraid that if I try to bring up the points I just listed, it’ll sound like whining… which it pretty much is. Sigh.

Or should I say, “Wah”?