Yet again, excerpts from recent letters to Michele do double duty as a recap of happenings so far this year.
» That Guy » February
- In reply to your questions, no, I haven’t seen him or heard any news about his personal life. When he crosses my mind, depending on my mood, I’m either hopeful that the pandemic is keeping him single… or I relive the hurt and embarrassment at how past encounters (so! clearly!) indicate that he doesn’t think of me as a romantic option. :winces:
- I was pondering how, with the aspects we appreciate in our current TV dreamboats, someone might deduce that our ages are somewhat past the teen years. Which is fine with me! Our experience has helped us more clearly define what we’re looking for — and that’s a good thing. 🙂 I’m even starting to filter song lyrics through that point of view. Like when I hear Bruno Mars claim that he’d “catch a grenade for ya.” Well, thanks, but in my book, the height of romance would be for a guy to simply pay attention when I talk and respond with a modest bit of interest.
» That Guy » June
- I did see __ … I can honestly report that I got no butterflies or other silly notions. I’ve accepted that he doesn’t like me “that way,” and I have no hard feelings about that. Actually, it’s freeing! Had he been nearby, I believe I could’ve managed the same, conversational “Hey! How are you?” that I would have with almost anyone else.
- [Later that week] I was able to test what I wrote above, “I could speak to __ like I would to anyone else.” I was passing by where he was standing, and as I was right next to him, I got a bit choked on my sip of water! :BLUSH: Not exactly my proudest moment, but I was only slightly embarrassed — and then I shook it off. I casually looked at him and said, “Excuse me.” I even added, “Good morning.” (Yep, as I would’ve with anyone else.) As I recall, he returned the greeting, and gave a sympathetic look as my light coughing continued, as I walked on.
Apparently, it’s true: without butterflies, I can be almost normal. Almost! 😉
» Mind + Body » February
- Part of my emotional stress comes from making assumptions based on present circumstances: “Oh no! It looks like my health issues are starting again, just like last year at this time!” And that stresses me out more than I can express, thinking of going through all that discomfort for another year… But I’m trying to take it one day at a time, since (as the Bible said) all worry does is cause more harm.
- I made that reminder after a string of highly emotional days. As you said, I feel so, so irritable. Even more so when my family keeps doing things I’ve — repeatedly! — expressed issue with. On my angriest days, sheer exasperation sends me (as you said years ago that your guy would do) grumbling under my breath, often with my back to them. “Oh you’re interrupting again?! What a SURPRISE! WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?!?!!” 😦 I know that’s not helpful. In that moment, I just don’t know what else to do.
- My health issues of late can be summed up as “more of the same.” Some of the ones from this time last year are making another appearance, as are some that first popped up ten years ago. It may sound strange, but I’m comforted when I remember, “Okay, I’ve had this symptom before,” probably because it reminds me that it didn’t last forever. #SighOfRelief Plus, I’m encouraged that the repeats from last year have, so far, been very mild.
- Looking at past occurrences, the worst outbreaks of My Condition have also been times of extreme stress. Which makes sense. As I wrote in my cost-of-worry blog post, recently when I start to get frazzled, I remind myself that panicking will only make it worse. And I know that’s true, so I find a way to at least change my focus.
» Mind + Body » October
- As I said in my Facebook message September was BUSY, and it coincided with — or perhaps it prompted! – a 40s flare up, and so I spent much of the days feeling frazzled: nervous and overwhelmed.
- At least for now, I’m fairly upbeat because I’ve finished a few tasks, and made definite progress in a few others. 🙂
- You mentioned feeling emotional as well. Do you notice any patterns in your feelings? I sure do. Starting from several years ago, I can track recurring outbreaks in which, for several days at a time, my mood/thoughts default to a theme. Such as…
…“Bad brain” where I repeatedly lose my train of thought
…Feeling completely lonely and unheard
…Obsessing over some small thing
…Overwhelmed, like there’s so much I need to do, want to do, and I’m not putting a dent in any of it.
…Guilty (often follows overwhelmed) that I can’t do anything right, like I’m letting everyone –and God! — down
…So, so annoyed at nearly everyone
I could go on, but you get the idea.
» “Look up, Child” » June
- Yesterday, I attended the Sunday morning service at church, for the first time since March of last year. Around 70 people have been meeting regularly… but I was waiting through the month of May, to monitor how coronavirus case numbers progressed after many places relaxed their mask mandates.
- Happily, a downward trend has continued. The church plans to start Sunday School next week, and I knew I wanted to go to that. I decided to return one week early. And I’m so glad I went! I’ve sorely missed being around people who, like me, want to share about the trials and triumphs in our spiritual journey. (I love my family, but they are not exactly big with the encouragement.)
- To that end, since March of this year, I have been attending church service on Wednesday night. (With only a dozen or so people, it seemed like a good way for me to ease back into being around crowds, lol.)
- We have been watching through the TV series “The Chosen,” which is about the life of Jesus. We watch an episode, then discuss it. I enjoy hearing the comments: it all reminds me of many hours of pleasant diversion reviewing TV shows for my websites. 😀
- When they first announced the plan to watch that show, I recalled that movie The Passion of the Christ — and wasn’t sure what to expect. But, whereas the movie was (majorly!) intense, this show is thoroughly engaging. It’s as if I’m right there in the Bible history… and I’m seeing parts of it like I never have before. WOW! ❤ ❤
- Wednesday night, we watched episode 5 of The Chosen. I know I’m repeating, but that show is SO good. I’m completely taken with its depictions of the apostles and Jesus. I admit, before this I’ve pictured them (and others in the Bible) as perpetually somber and serious. But that series depicts them with distinct personalities — and insecurities — and engaging in pleasant banter… and having fun. This is a view of them I’ve absolutely needed!
» Pit of Random » February
- A weather update: our region was clipped by that multi-state arctic blast! Widespread ice earlier this week, then 5 inches of snow Wednesday night, with multiple nights of low temps in the teens. :shivers: Our bathroom pipes were frozen for one day; thankfully the kitchen water stayed unfrozen, and the power stayed on.
- I’d been needing a new nightshirt, and — obviously inspired by our cat chat — I got one with sweet kitties on it. You can see it at this link.
- At least I’m having some success chipping away at my organizing efforts. 8) Recently, as an update to my (shamefully neglected) photoblog, I posted an example of the file drawer labeling that I’m working on. I love how readable those labels are… if I could only decide on what categories/titles would be most helpful, I might actually get that project finished! Anyway, the picture is here: chezannegallery.shutterfly.com/1196
- I recently discovered that my work computer added a dictation feature (as in, I talk and it types what I say)… and I’ve been like a kid with a new toy. 😀 I used it to transcribe the ideas I’d written on paper to start this email, and I’ve been dictating things related to my job duties. For years, I have been curious about text-to-type software, as a less-laborious way to make my paper writings [journals, fanfic] electronic. Alas, it’s not perfect. I had to edit: insert sentence breaks, punctuation, some capital letters… But overall, I’m calling it a success. Simply getting the words typed is a huge start.
- Not only is it a valuable tool, but speaking words and having the computer print what I say on the screen is so validating. :applause:
» Pit of Random » October
- The highly-touted “new normal” continued to evolve when [my cell service provider] notified me that a phone upgrade was necessary due to upcoming network changes. So, I decided to join the ranks of smartphone users. Having to learn a new device while I was so busy would threaten to stress me out… but then, I’d calmly remind myself, “simply take it one piece at a time.” And navigating the phone has been much more intuitive than I expected, so YAY!